Article by John Norris
As the person who most resembles a political reporter on The Herald’s writing staff, I aim to be as well-read about political matters as possible. This is why I went to sleep at 6:30 p.m. on Monday: now I am more well-rested than every other pundit and wonk (while being equally knowledgeable).
I am writing this now at 3 p.m. on Tuesday, and I will refuse to look at the results until someone forces me to. I will take a page from Biden and trust my gut more than reality.
Losers:
The Democratic Party
It is beginning to seem like they enjoy making fools of themselves. The app that they funded and used to report votes might have completely failed and had its servers crash — and that’s the best case scenario. The DNC server hack and healthcare.gov’s launch look less like flukes every day. Still, I’m sure they were. If the DNC had one more year to develop the app, I’m sure none of this would have happened.
Vote Blue No Matter Who
It would actually be “Vote blue no matter whom.”
Joe Biden
There are two possibilities for Biden right now. One is that his positioning of himself as the “electable” candidate has utterly failed. The other is that the election was hacked and rigged against him. However, this still doesn’t look good because it reminds voters that he’s an old man who can’t effectively use technology.
Iowa
Iowans, like most nocturnal creatures, don’t like to have the spotlight on them for too long. This app debacle has done just that, and caused them great amounts of undue stress. Offerings of Slipknot CDs and corn will be necessary in the following weeks to ensure that they stay in the union.
Winners:
Amy Klobuchar
While not anywhere near the front of the pack, Amy is still the best climate change candidate simply based on a technicality — she wants to destroy all carbon-based life.
#YangGang
While Yang doesn’t look too favorable in the polls going in, his supporters still prove themselves to be the most tenacious posters to date. The sheer number of pro-Yang tweets in the thirty minutes I was awake for the caucus was impressive.
Bernie Sanders
His campaign has a functional app.
Donald Trump
While it was hard fought, and many believed he couldn’t do it, Donald Trump managed to secure first place in the Republican caucus by a stressfully narrow 95%.
Categories: Opinion
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