Garrett Partain, Special to The Herald

A-State is a large place. People constantly come and go out of a multitude of buildings, traveling across campus in a hurry, all with diverse wants and goals. In the end, though, we all have one thing in common: the need to go. And with that need comes a necessity of a space where we can go. This space goes by many names: the lavatory, head, commode, john, loo, latrine, the porcelain throne or more commonly, the bathroom. As anyone who went to a public high school can tell you: not all bathrooms are created equal. In fact, most bathrooms outside of one’s own home are tolerable at best, with a large portion of the rest being completely unusable to anyone that values a proper restroom experience. A-State has a unique approach to this issue. The style and number of bathrooms on campus are as diverse as the students and faculty who call it home, leading to there being a bathroom for almost everyone. Or rather, it would mean that if I hadn’t come up with a method to empirically test the quality of all bathrooms on campus. That method being my opinion.

I have rated every bathroom on campus that I have felt bothered to on four criteria; cleanliness, privacy, space, and convenience. Each of these categories are on a scale from 0-5, with 0 being the worst score a bathroom can get in that category and 5 being the best. A better score, though, does not necessitate a higher position on the list, as there are other compounding factors that may affect the bathroom’s rating. So, with that being clarified, here are the top 5 bathrooms on campus.

#5, 3^rd Floor Humanities
Cleanliness: 4 
Privacy: 4
Space: 3
Convenience: 4

While all bathrooms located within the Humanities and Social Sciences building are the same layout and construction, save for the Family Restrooms, the 3^rd floor restroom strikes that perfect balance of being so out of the way for most students that you rarely find yourself having to share it, while also being still easily accessed in cases of casual usage and emergencies. This balance also eliminates the need to use any of the Family Restrooms in the building, allowing one to avoid the guilt of taking up a Family Restroom. What holds this restroom back, though, is its utilitarian nature and its space. While the space in stalls is more than adequate, it just isn’t No. 1 material. The same goes to the fact that the restroom is good all-around, but not outstanding. 

#4, 3^rd Floor of LSW
Cleanliness: 4
Privacy: 5
Space: 4
Convenience: 2

Lab Science West isn’t the most orthodox of rankings. As someone who has a major that keeps me exclusively in the Humanities building for classes after I completed my basics, it is strange for such a location to receive high praise, I admit that. Not only this, but looking at the lavatory on face value makes it seem like a particularly average, and even outdated facility. It houses just two urinals, a single stall and a traditional individual rectangular mirror in front of every sink. It is even the only restroom on the floor (as far as I can discern.) This seems like a recipe for disaster, but the devil is in the details. Its outward demeanor seemingly actively deters foot traffic even during the floor’s busiest hours, as if the lack of facilities makes it to where everyone just assumes it is full, when it is completely empty. The single toilet stall’s length is equal to that of the width of the entire restroom, giving some of the most room on the entire campus. 

#3, RESTROOM 2206
Cleanliness: 5
Privacy: 5
Space: 5
Convenience: 3

On face value this is the perfect restroom. Located on the second floor of the Student Union near the Card Center, this restroom is full size: two urinals, a stall, multiple sinks, ample floor space outside of the range of the waste depositing zones. It even has a lockable door, as it has seemingly been retrofitted to be a Family Restroom. Beyond its very miss-able location, it should be perfect. But the fact that it is a full size restroom obviously meant for people with young children can make one feel extremely guilty, especially when using it for a long time. So, despite it being a technically superb experience, the moral pressure brings it down from #1 spot consideration.

#2, 2^nd Floor Library
Cleanliness: 4
Privacy: 5
Space: 4
Convenience: 5

Technically on the third floor of the library, this bathroom’s beauty comes in its simplicity. A single person, one toilet restroom has an elegance to its simplicity, and the fact that it is easily accessible from the moment you step into the library makes it all the better. Despite it being a family style, one person restroom, there is no guilt in using it due to the fact it is the only kind of restroom on the floor. This, much like entry No. 4, does not hinder it much. Having to wait on this restroom to become unoccupied is a rare occurrence, as the student population is well distributed throughout the building beyond the first floor, which has its own restroom.  All in all, it is a quality commode with very little else needing to be said on the matter. 

#1, ???
Cleanliness: 5
Privacy: 5
Space: 5
Convenience: 2

The top spot is a bathroom that is relatively out of the way compared to the other picks on the list but is certifiably the best restroom on campus. The lack of traffic makes it one of the most serene latrine-going experiences a person can have. Which is exactly why no more details can be divulged. I do not wish for my favorite commode to go the way of vacation spots posted to Instagram, that is, overcrowded. So, I have decided this secret will follow me to the grave, left in my will to ensure that only a select few in future generations know truly the best bathroom on campus. Or at least until the new building gets finished or I find a better one. Whichever comes first.

Categories: #Life