It finally happened, someone messed up at the biology lab, now the students are craving brains. Don’t panic, here is an immature beginner’s guide to how to survive the zombie apocalypse here at A-State.

If you like to lounge around in the Heritage Plaza lawn, near the fountain in front of the Student Union or North Park quad field area, you might as well send your last text to your loved ones, because you are dead. 

If you are inside the Student Union, you might have just lucked out. The Union has so many places to hide, so many places to get water and food. But the disadvantage is there are many doors to get in from. 

Take your friends, leave behind the ones who are dead weight, literally. Lock every door that you can possibly barricade. 

The union, containing the cafeteria and the tornado shelter, is a good place to camp out. But you are not the only one who has had that idea. The union would be the most crowded place, as everyone would be rushing in from all the millions of doors in that building. 

So collect what you need and run. 

Don’t scream. I know that may be your first instinct to do so, but really stop screaming. This brings me to my next location, the library. Go to the library, get to the 3rd floor, the one with the writing center. Again,many places to lock yourself away and higher ground is always safer. 

This may be your time to reach out to the ROTC people, you need a team of strong individuals and people who are going to help you survive. Tennis rackets, baseball bats, a really muscular bicep, grab what you can, you will need all the help you can get. 

Dorms may be a good place to help out but only temporarily, because you have little to no way of getting supplies again once your rations run out. Dorms are a good place to set base, because they have limited ways of getting in, and the windows almost never open. Guard the doors, collect all your supplies and call dibs on who gets to room with the football players.

Now that you have your supplies in check, and doors barricaded, set up an SOS sign. 

Actually don’t bother, no one is flying over Arkansas. 

Grab your bat, the friend you are willing to sacrifice in the name of humanity, and let your rage fly free. It is your one chance at taking out your frustration, legally. 

If it were to happen any time soon, you are likely dead. 

Turn on “If the World Was Ending” by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels, text your family, and let it take you over. No point in trying to escape. Have you seen the state of our government? 

It is truly only a matter of time before shit hits the fan.

But if you follow these rules, you have a small chance. An incredibly small chance. About as close to zero percent survival as you could possibly get, but technically still a chance. 

Let’s just hope it never happens, or at least, not while I’m still around to have to deal with it. 

Categories: Life