Let me start by saying this: the glorious and beautiful state of Israel is the United States’ greatest friend and ally. To think anything else is, frankly, a little anti-Semitic.

I have a problem with the money we are sending Israel to fight this war against Palestine, because we clearly aren’t giving them enough of it. Never mind our own selfish needs in America like healthcare and education. We must send more money to Israel.

Recently, President Donald Trump (who is very handsome and brilliant and not on any list but the list for heaven) masterfully negotiated peace in the Middle East between Israel and those anti-Semitic terrorists in Palestine. The Palestinians promptly broke the ceasefire by allowing 38 of their own to be killed by the brave Israel Defense Forces since early October. The war is back on.

The Palestinians are clearly in the wrong. What rational person would be angry that their land, property and families were being stolen by foreigners? Especially when those foreigners are God’s chosen people. 

If God’s chosen people marched up to my house and told me to get out, I’d shake their hands and skip my happy self to the nearest refugee camp. Anyone who is not enthusiastic about giving up their rights to foreigners is demonstrating clear signs of anti-Semitism.

The ceasefire could have worked, too, if the Palestinians hadn’t made the Israelis break the ceasefire with all their starving and dying (terrorism). This isn’t the first time a peace deal has been broken between Israel and Palestine. Israel has even defended itself against other countries, too. 

In September 2025, Israel defended itself by attacking five countries outside of Palestine. This includes interrupting peace proposals from the United States directly to Hamas leadership by bombing the talks in Qatar. 

Clearly, those talks had to be stopped, or else Hamas might agree to the terms. If Hamas agreed to the terms, then the war would end, and then Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu would have to end his glorious reign. 

And what a reign it has been for Bibi. Not only has his international reputation been glowing as of late, but several countries have declared that he is simply too good for them. More than a hundred countries are obliged to arrest Netanyahu for silly things like “war crimes” and “crimes against humanity”, and horribly anti-Semitic countries like Canada, Italy, Spain, the United Kingdom, Ireland and Australia have openly declared that they will arrest him. 

Clearly, all these countries are wrong (and anti-Semitic) and this is only something that happens to a guy on the right side of history.

America is on the right side of history. 

All Americans are avid supporters of Israel because they are the greatest ally we could ever ask for. Ignore the fact that they have never meaningfully helped us in a war. Ignore that they attacked the USS Liberty for a half-hour while jamming communications in 1967, despite a clear U.S. flag mounted on the ship. 

Ignore the fact that, for some reason, Netanyahu felt a need to address conspiracy theories linking the assassination of Charlie Kirk to Israel, which everyone knows you only do when allegations are baseless.

America will remain friends with Israel. 

Don’t worry about the fact that a Pew Research Center poll found that 59% of Americans hold an unfavorable opinion of the Israeli government. And definitely don’t worry that the only generation with a majority supporting Israel is the baby boomers. Israel will continue to get support after the boomers die off. 

This will happen thanks to many friends of Israel graciously forcing control of social media outlets like TikTok out of the hands of rotten China and into the hands of Larry Ellison. An American patriot, Ellison is a citizen of Israel and the United States. He also happens to have gifted the largest single donation ever to the Friends of the Israel Defense Forces, at $16.6 million.

Of course, he’s just looking out for the safety of America. 

We should continue to support our greatest ally in everything, all the time. Our politicians, the ones elected to represent America, should continue to put the needs of Israel above the needs of Americans.

This opinion is a work of satire and is intended to provoke thought, not incite hatred, violence, or discrimination.

Categories: Opinion